When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
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Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I don鈥檛 know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he鈥檚 running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn鈥檛 underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Panda bears are proof that it鈥檚 okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you鈥檙e super adorable
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 馃槶馃槶
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
When cannibals fall for one another, that鈥檚 chew love
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.