If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
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“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
You鈥檇 think people would be more understanding it鈥檚 my first day as a tattoo artist.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Sam can鈥檛 find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39掳; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 馃檪
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I believe this with my whole heart 馃拃馃
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
It鈥檚 at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you鈥檝e been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”