In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
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My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.