dogs can find happiness so easily
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GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!