I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
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ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.