[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
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Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow