My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
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*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know