Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
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Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
can’t catch a break
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face