My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
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[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I have no passwords left in me
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working