ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
You Might Also Like
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
be careful
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”