What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
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My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Erm…
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.