Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
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GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
me: i can鈥檛 believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you鈥檇 believe it
It鈥檚 hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
carving our initials in a hotdog before it鈥檚 boiled
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we鈥檒l all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I鈥檓 not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There鈥檚 only like three or four!
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
[cop sniffing me] you鈥檙e all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I鈥檒l try
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don鈥檛 panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
A level of petty I can get with 馃ぃ
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem鈥檚 Wife: I have a headache
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
*lint rolls you awake*
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat