So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
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My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?