I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
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Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.