Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
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[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.