If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
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my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead