You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
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One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day