I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
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“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Something Saturday.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.