My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
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A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.