I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
You Might Also Like
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*