Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
You Might Also Like
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
A leaf blower, but for people.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
quarantine day 3
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.