The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
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[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
This is amazing.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING