[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
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Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Otters see a butterfly.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”