Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
You Might Also Like
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
This guy gets it.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.