I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
the composer
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up