[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
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ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
sliding into dms like
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Danger is very dangerous
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times