if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
You Might Also Like
is it earth
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.