If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
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In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
*offers Batman cough drops*
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Seas the day!!!!
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?