Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
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dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Me in tagged photos
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
#ParentingFacts
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.