Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
You Might Also Like
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.