I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
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The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread