*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
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Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Easy enough.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza