Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
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I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Day 2 of my diet
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)