Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
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I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
🙄😏😂🤣
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.