Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
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I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
My first son he is wonderful
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me: