What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
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Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.