fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
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She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
he was correct
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)