REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.