H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
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What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.