20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
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HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.