Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
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if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
It’s a gift
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.