Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
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Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I love art.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?