Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
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Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.