Not today
You Might Also Like
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
getting old is fun
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
😩😩😩
Am I having a stroke?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups