ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
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a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.