oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
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[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up