HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
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Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I need a headline like this
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
and now we wait
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.