whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
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Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
why isn’t he texting back
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS