I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
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[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
i actually laughed 😩
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*