i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
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[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”